How often is the build up to something much better than the actual event that takes place after the anxious wait. In many cases it is. I live on dreams, hopes, feelings that just maybe something may happen. Even though all the odds point the other way, I insist on delving into the daydreams of things that never can be. It is true that nothing is impossible. But we can tell when things are impossible. Impossible is possible. Somethings were never meant to be. If I was to say, "I'm going to be the first Egyptian in Space!". Could that be true, remotely true, even possible? You tell me! I would bet it would never happen. But then my brain could go into daydreaming hyper-drive and imagine out a whole concise, logical and detailed scenario of my dreams become reality. Then I start to analyze the situation I'm in now and try to find a way to get me closer to the dream.
The truth maybe that I have a war to win. If I win that war I may be, just may be somewhat closer to what I want to have and be. Time can only reveal so much. We never see too far into the future. We can expect but life is certainly mysterious in its ways of showing us things. I have made up my mind as to what one of my new years resolutions will be. The only discouraging aspect of this is that they have been the same year-out and year-in. Its the same old story. I fight and fight for something and then slip back down the mountain side. I get hyped up and do marvels and not to soon after I see them diminish and drown in my own soul. The next year dawns and yet again I dream of winning. I can only wonder now if what I want will ever be solidified into reality of life. It can be done and I know it. I can do it but am I up to the pain and sacrifice that scatters the reached path to this goal.
Does truth dictate that somethings were never meant to be? Are the feelings of being doomed in a dungeon-state make our minds switch on the dreaming daze. I find myself these days delving into it all to often. I sit there or lie there living the impossible as if it was very much possible
Maybe I'm going through this thought now as I'm on vacation in a very different world to the home I call home these days. I'm on holiday in a place that I consider my second home. It could have easily been my first home but due to some fortunate or unfortunate events has become second. I see them as fortunate events that have twisted and turned my fate. I see things here that I long for. I see things here that are close to who I am in blood and flesh. I see common things. I see dead things!! hehe. In the end I am who I am. I think im going to have another post about this.
Back to the prevailing thought; I can never forget the adrenaline rush and excitement bubbling in my blood before a trip. I love it! I always remember later being on the actual trip and thinking: Here it is! Its happening. Is this what I expected! Is it as good as the build up before it. In some cases it is and in some cases it flashes before your eyes as your enjoying the trip and soon its only a memory. A memory you look back on and long to change things and long for more and long for those days to come back.
I stand there knowing that I could have been in a much better situation if I had sacrificed a little along the path to that situation. You know there is a prevailing chance that what you want will never come but you insist and insist and your brain resorts to stargazing to prevent the progress of insanity. It gives me peace of mind.
I don't really know what I wanted to say in this post. Its just one of those random posts that are a spill out of a core dump :D. I need to every once in a while dump my brain into writing. Feels useless. It feels aimless, target-less and goal-less but it does feel a bit good. Well maybe not as good as Im coming to the end of this post. Well I feel neutral now. I feel I will try and fight harder for the war I must win.
What war is that? you ask. The answer lies in a quote I heard a long time ago:
"The greatest battles in life are fought within the inner most chambers of the human soul".
It sounded something like that. I cant remember it verbatim but it holds basically the same meaning. The war is something and everything. Life is a struggle to become who your subconscious and conscious want to be.
1 comment:
The more you reveal yourself, the more I realize how similar our lives are. I can truly say I understand exactly how you feel.
I believe that our dreams take us places. They define our destiny. And give us the drive to go on. And the war never ends. Once you win a battle, another one begins.
"Here it is! Its happening. Is this what I expected!" LOL. That's so me! I force myself to experience every tiny detail of anything that comes my way while I'm at my-home-away-from-home. Like the way the woods smell in summer, or the minature shapes snowflakes take just before melting into my hand... And then its those things that come to me so vividly later and make my memories.
Stay gold ya T.
S
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